woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot