Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
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Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
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I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?