I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
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They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
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Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"