Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"