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Last Night in Illinois (773)

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Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.

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(773): Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket. http://tfl.nu/bfmy

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that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.

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(773): that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them. http://tfl.nu/o468

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Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.

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...well that sucks.

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(312): Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck. (773): ...well that sucks. http://tfl.nu/p9wr

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When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.

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(773): When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change. http://tfl.nu/eo5m

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There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.

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(773): There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet. http://tfl.nu/w01w

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I am midnight drunk by noon

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(773): I am midnight drunk by noon http://tfl.nu/nu2g

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I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs

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(773): I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs http://tfl.nu/cj7x

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My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.

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didn't stop?

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naw, they were rude, not me.

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(773): My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family. (1-773): didn't stop? (773): naw, they were rude, not me. http://tfl.nu/wggq

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Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

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You spelled "worthless" wrong.

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(773): Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note. (773): You spelled "worthless" wrong. http://tfl.nu/nbo3

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If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?

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(773): If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk? http://tfl.nu/beic

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yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.

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(773): yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL. http://tfl.nu/d3ky

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I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.

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(773): I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier. http://tfl.nu/mu3y

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you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

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(773): you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE" http://tfl.nu/hmmg

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Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.

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(773): Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize. http://tfl.nu/bs3u

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If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.

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(773): If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time. http://tfl.nu/xdpc

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Last Night in Illinois (773)

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