Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper