Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?