We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.