I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.