Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.