Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.