I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night