I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.