were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
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Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
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Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.