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this just has baby written all over it
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
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