I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home