WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
literally had 100 drinks last night.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm being pulled over???
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
i don't wanna talk about it
I love you!
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole