All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
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I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
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I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.