my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
where are you?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother