i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
where are you?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.