im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
where are you?