I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
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Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
where are you?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
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We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She's the barista slut.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am