Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
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Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
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he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.