I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Sorry my hands just texted you
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night