You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
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Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
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I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.