I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
ttyl tear gas
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.