I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
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I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you told grandpa to call you daddy
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don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.