Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.