EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
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according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
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Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay