Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
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Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you told grandpa to call you daddy
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
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answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.