Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
you told grandpa to call you daddy
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it