My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
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You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
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Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.