Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories