You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.