I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you will always have a special place in my vag
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.