I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
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I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
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Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.