A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
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I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
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In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.