Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house