I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
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standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
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All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.