I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.