Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...