I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.