See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER