Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
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Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
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HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?