If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom