If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though