went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
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Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me