Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.