You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
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FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked