Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
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#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.