Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.