A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.