I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?