i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.