Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.