My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?