Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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