What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
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the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
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I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall