My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY