Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins