Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Follow @tfln