THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.