Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night