He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
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He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
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So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant